DISQUS

D B · 3 years ago

You slay me when you write like this. I am in tears. I love you.

Christopher Locke · 3 years ago

So often when people write about things like this, their prose turns saccharine or preachy or simply becomes another screen to hide behind. I have less patience for writing like that than I probably should. But this is not only said well, it's lived well -- and that's saying something. It's clear you've been to places in the heart I've only glimpsed from the highway, figuring to make it to the next exit before dark. From a Buick 6, my hat is off to you.

Rick · 3 years ago

bravo; thank you for sharing this.

Anonymous · 3 years ago

I had a similar childhood and relationship, or lack thereof, with my father. You gave it voice and have a beautiful moral clarity about it. I was very moved by your post; thank you.

K · 3 years ago

I think that it is wonderful that you are able to put this all together and look through your "darkness" to see the light that is everything that you are. Peace be with you, always.

katrina · 3 years ago

I really admire your strength, courage, perserverance and unwillingness to blindly follow the status quo.

It took me a long time to grasp what you already know about forgiveness...I always thought it meant turning a blind eye to the reality of the hurt. Now I understand that it's not about minimizing that pain, or the seriousness of the injury inflicted, but rather in conquering it's ability to continue to destroy by releasing it, by giving it over.

My hurt wasn't from my dad, but I do relate to some of the disillusionment you experienced. I pray that God will pour out His best on your life. You've got so much going for you.

ML · 3 years ago

This is wonderful, Anthony. I grew up not knowing my father, and it's the all-time surprise of my life that at middle-age, I've found him in me. It convinces me that genes are powerful, and makes this stage of life (late middle-age, early elderhood) a fascinating time. For this, you have much to look forward to, except that you have already discovered the father within, and at a much earlier age than I did. So who knows what lies beyond, or will stem from this knowledge for you. I guess I'm a bit envious at the years you'll have on me for its fruition, and also amazed at your capacity to love the one you're forgiving; that's something I haven't yet achieved. Forgiveness, for me, is a slippery state; I've thought I've achieved it, only to find myself revisiting the process a few months or years later. I suspect that my initial assumption - that forgiveness, love, or any other feeling or attitude is a solid state - was way flawed. But I'm learning.
Anyway, this was one of the best early-morning blog-reads I've had. Thank you, thank you!

Keith · 3 years ago

AC,

This is by far the most powerful posting from you I've ever read. It's very eloquent. As a latch key kid with some of the same issues, I really think the lesson of empathizing with your parents as *real* people is an important take away from this post. Regardless if folks choose to forgive or forget, or whatever, it's really important to try and understand "people's" situations, and what/why/how they've based important decisions. One's parents are no different, and you really articulate that in a very nice way. Props

Ben · 3 years ago

Those are some big cajones you are sporting. Fatherlessness can also cause fearlessness, ey? I am lucky to have a close relationship with my father, but this still meant a lot. And I love you too.

Scheherazade · 3 years ago

I love this post, and the thoughts and feelings underneath it.

I miss our conversations.

Are you ever coming back to Maine? I need to make a trip to Boston while you're still there.

Add me to the list of people who love you, although I hope I'm already on there....

Kyla · 3 years ago

It always amazed me how you can see the good in every situation in life and make others do the same. You embrace who you are and recognize the path that got you here. We're all lucky you turned out the way you did. Congratulations on taking this step and sharing your path with others.

hoskins · 3 years ago

Love ya Ant. I just love the fact that you are indeed just genuine you. Amazingly put man, you are a very inspiring voice.

Darrold Dorr · 3 years ago

Hey Ant,
I have to say that having known you for these so many years I did not realize what you had to go through as you grew up.Many times parents are caught up trying to make ends meet and still try to raise their children in what they hope is a loving and yet disciplined way so are sometimes not as concerned as they should be with other young people that they know . Marcia and I have oh so many good memories of things we have done with you and Chris and many others of your friends. You are a great guy,a son that any father would be proud, and your fathers loss is a much greater one that he chose not to stay with you and your mom and brother. Marcia and I are proud to have you as one of our adoptive family and do wish you to come here anytime
our love to you,
Darrold

Mumcia · 3 years ago

Love You, Anthony (this is really no time for rodney), as one of my own despite the long interludes between communications.

Your message brought tugs to the heart strings, tears to the eyes, and such pride in knowing you as a friend and surrogate son. How sad for you (and your father), that you have not been able to share in the development of the beautiful, caring, loving and successful man that you have become. Its similar to the situation I grew up in except that my father was there physically and never learned how to express his emotions. I don't eve recall having had a 'conversation' with my father. At least I had the knowledge that he was there to keep us fed, clothed, warm and safe.

Anthony, I am so pleased that you are such a dear friend to my #3, and I'm sure that some of your values have 'rubbed off' on him. You are quite a pair!

I do hope you will get to visit us and our new home soon. I need to share a hug with you. And, you need to see your Franklin 'home'.

Much love and many warm hugs, Mumcia

Laura · 3 years ago

Citrano, you win my heart. Your stories, your wisdom, your forgiving nature and your clarity of mind give me something to aspire to. I would acclaim you for writing a father's day commentary that is not some insipid cliche, but i would never expect that from you. You are anything but cliche. Thanks for warming my otherwise cynical fathers day.
Love goes out to you from California, hope I see you in Boston,
-L

Linda · 3 years ago

I have put this essay away for my 11 year old son who I hope will read it, take comfort, and use it to release some of the pain of his loss.

From a single mother in Cambridge,
-L

natalie · 3 years ago

Anthony, I must second (and third, and fourth...ad infinitum) the laudatory expressions already put forth. Because I am a fan of learning how my own stories affect people differently based on their past experiences, I offer a brief summary of my own. Not to detract or compare, mind you.

Perhaps it's the relative (no pun intended) proximity of the holiday, but my own father has been increasingly on my mind. He was extremely emotionally abusive to my family, a man seemingly born without empathy or compassion. Additionally, he knowingly cost our family every ounce of financial security, leaving us homeless when I was a teenager.

I strongly identify with your description of crippling distrust of the mundane, uncertainty and insecurity.

During my college years, I had a slow epiphany pretty much exactly like you described yours. I have been extremely grateful for the many blessings that my upbringing gave me--precisely what you so beautifully described. Put in a rudimentary form, I am who I am because of this, and that can only be a good thing. I agree with you wholeheartedly.

I have not seen my father for three years. In all honesty, I had hoped that our next encounter would include a coffin. Now, though, I am unsure. While able to forgive him, I have never had the desire to inform him of my forgiveness. (Or to have him in my life in any sort of way.) Now, though, I think I want him to know I forgive him.

Your post gives me pause, however. Is expressing forgiveness selfish or selfless? As you so eloquently stated, "what to me has evolved into a psychological 'friendly ghost' is his daily demon. It is an inner torment to which I cannot relate." Wouldn't being aware of forgiveness potentially intensify any feelings of guilt one might have? Have you had the opportunity to express your own forgiveness? If not, would you take it?

I love this post. You are amazing. And you deserve all the models you can get. :)

Mel · 3 years ago

Anthony -- powerful stuff to say the least. Your writing is moving and the story even moreso. Your wit and irreverence are definitely missed in the Cambridge environs.

Anthony Citrano · 3 years ago

Thanks to all of you for the wonderful words and feedback - I have reached out to some of you via e-mail (there are some specifics to the story that I ought leave off this thread) - I am really happy this piece has had a positive impact.

candy · 3 years ago

I share your feelings as my sister an I have also been abandoned by our dad. He was a good man in some respects, but was never a father! I remember him beating me - punching and kicking me at 15 because I ran away. I remember him beating my mother and sister so many times.

If dad was ever caught out lying for example, he would turn the tables on us and accuse us of ganging up against him. This would end in one of us taking a beating or being alienated.

When my children were born, he made a promise that they would never see what we had seen. Yes, the beatings stopped, but the manipulation continued. He would blame everyone but himself for his failings, usually Mum!

He left our lives repeatedly as we grew up, usually as a result of him beating Mum and her throwing him out or as the result of him taking on another woman.

Mum has moved on and started a new life abroad. Dad however has taken on yet another woman, with three children from her previous marriage and he has completely cut us off. He never calls or texts us and walks past us in the street as if he does not know us. It is highly embarrasing as we live in a small closeknit town.

He walks around without a care in the world while we cry inside. He creates profound lies as reasons for not visiting my home, claiming someone is going to poison him. Despite me telling him that is untrue, he has kept away. Is that normal?

Nagasuri · 2 years ago

I know how you feel. In pain I found strength. He who sired me does not mean he deserves my tears of pain. Instead I proved myself worthy in every sense. It is his loss.

Jason · 1 year ago

Amen, Brother.

Love,
Your Brother Jason 2008

Jessiex · 6 months ago

Via @technosailor, I found this piece you wrote.Your development and ability to see your path to and through it, and your sharing of it all, are beautiful. Thanks for being willing to bring this public.